I don't usually write fiction, but this week I though I'd try something a little different. The following is a short story based on a satirical play I wrote in college about an small town election for mayor. Don't worry, I still snuck in some game theory.
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“I'm Gretchen Michelson, and this is the Normville News Network: the most explosive name in local news. I hope you’re ready for a cold, hard blast of truth, because you’re about to enter the Blast Zone.”
“KA-BOOM!” The screen bursts into a computer-animated mushroom cloud and the thundering Blast Zone theme music begins to play. Big block letters soar into view, spelling out “THE BLAST ZONE.”
Gretchen swivels in her chair to look directly into the camera. “Now for tonight’s top stories. The upcoming election for Mayor of Normville is only a few weeks away, and it’s shaping up to be a grudge match between current Mayor Heather Bland, fighting for her re-election, and the challenger Richard Grinch. Grinch was defeated by Bland the first time he ran for Mayor four years ago, and he’s determined not to lose to her again."
Gretchen continues, “The big issue on all voters minds is what to do about Normville’s historic asbestos plants. As our viewers know, Normville is the proud home of the two largest asbestos manufacturing plants operating in the United States -- in fact, they are they only two asbestos plants still operating at all. When Heather Bland first ran for Mayor, she promised to take action to address health and safety concerns related to the asbestos. But Bland’s supporters feel she wasn’t bold enough on this issue in her first term. Perhaps this criticism is what prompted Mayor Bland, at a campaign rally yesterday, to call for swift and tepid action.”
Cut to the Mayor standing on the steps of city hall in front of a banner that bears her own name, “BLAND.” She’s wearing a pants suit. It’s grey.
“Citizens of Normville are demanding action on the asbestos issue,” Mayor Bland begins. “That’s why if I’m re-elected, I will establish a fact-finding committee to determine whether or not the dramatic increase in infants born with cancerous mutations has something to do with the asbestos, and to propose non-binding recommendations for other fact-finding committees we could establish going forward. And this time, only half the committee members will be appointed by the asbestos companies.”
The audience groans, unimpressed.
The video clip of Mayor Bland shrinks into a small box hovering over Gretchen Michelson’s right shoulder as she reports, “While this announcement is unlikely to satisfy the base of Bland’s party who wants the asbestos plants shutdown completely, it has nonetheless drawn fire from her opponent Richard Grinch, who put out the following statement moments ago.”
Cut to Richard Grinch, a well groomed man with slicked-back hair and a thin mustache concealing the permanent sneer formed by his curled upper lip.
“There is no scientific consensus that asbestos is causing all these cancerous mutations,” Grinch shouts at a startled reporter who had approached him in a parking lot. “The Mayor’s recent attack on hard-working asbestos makers is a job killer: asbestos is what built this town’s economy! And the walls of it’s elementary schools! And the filtration system of its water tower!”
Gretchen continues, “We’ll ask our next guest how this issue will impact the election. Now, for political analysis so mind-blowing it comes with it’s own FDA warning – that’s right, it’s time for another Blast Zone Data Blast with our very own David Wonker.”
“WARNING!” A disembodied voice yells, “Blast Zone Data Blast may cause seizures, Vietnam flashbacks, rage addiction, spontaneous pregnancy, and loss of bowel control.”
The camera pans right, revealing a skinny man with a toothy smile sitting at the news desk next to Gretchen. Most viewers would agree that, judging from the size of his black-framed glasses, this man must either have a very good I.Q. score or very bad vision.
“Thanks Gretchen. Our latest polls are in. Let’s check out the results from our Data Blast Insta-Crunch 5000 -- four point oh! -- the latest in number-blasting technology.” 3-dimensional steam whistles across the screen through a storm of ones and zeros. “The numbers don’t look good for the challenger, Richard Grinch. A mere 37% of voters said if the election were held today they would vote for Grinch, compared with a strong 63% majority who said they would vote to re-elect Mayor Bland. The reason for this is that the majority of independents and moderates say they are, quote, ‘less frightened’ of her than Mr. Grinch. Let’s put these poll results up on the screen for our voters.”
“So David, does the Grinch campaign have any chance of victory?”
“I don’t think so. Normville had a chance to choose between these same two candidates in the last mayoral election, and it looks like folks are rooting for the same person they voted for last time. Both candidates are well known, so with only a few weeks to go before election day, don’t expect to see much movement in the polls.”
“Is there any good news at all in this poll for the Grinch campaign?”
“Yes, there are a couple of bright spots for Grinch. Even though Bland beats Grinch among independent and moderate voters, she is trailing among uninformed voters: 82% of uninformed voters said that Heather Bland’s budget proposal was quote, ‘too confusing,’ while 10% responded, quote, ‘who is Heather Bland?’ and 8% responded, quote, ‘can you give us a ride to Taco Bell?’ Most importantly, Grinch is leading among the single strongest voting block in Normville: the nutjob constituency. As we all know, more often than not nutjob voters determine the outcome of our elections.”
“Why do you think Grinch has failed to gain traction? Especially in light of the Mayor’s clear vulnerabilities: many members of her own party have complained that she’s just a typical politician who lacks substance. Do you think that Mayor Bland has finally addressed this concern with her bold new re-election slogan America, Families, etc. ?”
“Great point, Gretchen. It’s true that Mayor Bland’s voters aren’t as fired up about her as Richard Grinch’s voters are about him. Grinch supporters are glad to have a candidate who will finally stand up for their nutjob values by demanding an aggressive crack down on what Mr. Grinch refers to as ‘the hobo invasion.’ ”
“So David, for those of us who have a taste for gambling, even if Grinch can’t win, what do you think the odds are they he’ll beat the spread? Because I’ve got this bookie who is taking bets on -- ”
“BREAKING NEWS BLAST!” A deep, handsome voice bellows. A computer-animated American flag waves majestically in the midst of a grand fireworks display, and it is clear that the viewers are meant to presume this is apparently not a fire hazard.
“This just in!” Gretchen continues, “Richard Grinch’s campaign manager, John Lemon, has just resigned. As of yet, no one knows why Lemon decided to abandon Grinch, who was a long time friend of his. So David, is the fact that Lemon is jumping ship a signal that even Richard Grinch’s senior advisors believe his campaign is sinking?”
“That’s quite possible, Gretchen. Grinch’s problem is that he has tried so hard to pander to his hardcore base that, at this point, the majority of voters find his policy positions, well, repulsive.”
"So anyway -- I was saying -- about my bookie. It sounds like your are pretty confident Grinch will lose. But are you 'a-thousand-bucks confident,' Wonker? Because if you're willing to put your money where your mouth is -- "
“BREAKING NEWS BLAST!” The screen is overtaken by a portrait of Ronald Regan, which then explodes. As the dust settles, the Blast Zone logo is revealed, standing boldly atop the rubble.
“This just in!” Gretchen’s torso reappears behind the news desk. “Explosive news in the campaign for Normville Mayor! A third party challenger has exploded into the race! Who is this late entrant? None other than Richard Grinch’s former campaign manager, John Lemon! We now go live to this explosive press conference, already in progress.”
The camera cuts to the press conference. Lemon saunters up to the podium. He’s a square-jawed man with great hair, a wide face, and a tailored suit that does a pretty good job of hiding how overweight he is.
“Thank you all for coming. I’m John Lemon, and I’d like to formally declare my candidacy for Mayor.” The hungry reporters’ cameras crackle and pop wildly the instant the words leave his lips.
As the photographers capture the big moment for tomorrow morning’s papers, Lemon pauses and lets the cameras soak up his glittering smile. The audience ooh’s and ahh’s. When John Lemon smiles, it feels like he’s smiling at you. And you can’t help but smile back.
“It’s time for our city to reject the two major political parties and vote for an independent candidate. Recently, I resigned from my position as Richard Grinch’s campaign manager because I could not in good conscience support his position on deregulating the asbestos producers. The evidence is clear: the vast majority of cancerous mutations caused by asbestos pollution do NOT give you superpowers. And even when they do give you super powers, they're super lame, like the 'power' to communicate with clumps of asbestos, or to transmutate into an idle mud puddle, or the ability to go to the bathroom on planes without bumping the arms of people in the aisle seats as you walk to the back of the plane, or to teleport to the nearest Arby's -- gross. That’s why if elected Mayor, I will finally close down Normville’s asbestos manufacturing plants once and for all! Oh, and one more thing, when are we going to get rid of all these damned mosquitoes? C’mon Mayor Bland, this is a war -- pick a side! You’re either with us or you’re with the mosquitoes!”
The crowd cheers.
Cut to Gretchen Michelson and David Wonker at the news desk. “So David, what will be the impact John Lemon’s candidacy on the race? Would you say this news is ...explosive?" Gretchen asks, smiling at David Wonker and nodding aggressively.
"Um, sure why not," Wonker concedes.
"Some analysts have suggested Lemon could split the nutjob vote by pealing off some of Grinch's voters. Would you agree with that assessment?"
“No Gretchen I don’t think that’s likely. Grinch’s core constituency of nutjobs are more revved up than ever to vote for him, and are demanding John Lemon be hung for treason given the way he betrayed the Grinch campaign. On the contrary, it seems like Lemon's bold stance against asbestos may allow him to win over Bland supporters who feel like she hasn’t been tough enough on this issue, and Lemon’s proposal to kill all the mosquitoes will likely appeal to swing voters, the majority of whom find mosquitoes to be really annoying.”
“But David, the question is: does an independent candidate like Lemon have any shot at winning?”
“Well here’s what makes that difficult to answer: in most races, I would say independent candidates are unlikely to garner enough votes to win. But last year, the city of Normville adopted an Instant Runoff Voting system for all city-wide elections. Proponents argue this new system makes third parties and independents viable.”
“Could you explain for our viewers how this new system works?”
“Sure. Now that our city has Instant Runoff Voting, when you step into the voting booth, the ballot will ask you to rank the candidates as choice #1, choice #2, choice #3, etc. So then, if your first choice had the least amount of votes among all the candidates, then they would be knocked out of the race. Then, a runoff election would immediately be held in which your ballot would automatically be cast for your second choice, since your first choice had already been eliminated.”
“So basically, you rank the candidates and if your first choice doesn’t win then your vote is cast for your second choice?”
“That’s right, Gretchen. Some people say this reform will make it possible for independent candidates to win, since folks won’t be afraid that voting for an independent is ‘wasting their vote.’ That’s why, for example, Instant Runoff voting has been in the Green Party Platform for years.”
“Could this new system change the outcome of the election?”
“Well yes -- isn’t that the point?” David Wonker looks into the camera and grins. “Mayor Bland beat Richard Grinch four years ago with this very same group of Normville voters, and polls show that if Bland and Grinch were the only two candidates in the race, then Bland would win again overwhelmingly. But now voters can rank all three candidates, rather than only being allowed to select one. And with the base of her own party so unenthusiastic about her candidacy, it’s not clear whether Bland has the political gumption to survive in a three-way race.”
“C’mon Wonker, quit hedging your bets and make a prediction: I’ve got big money riding on this race.”
“Well I’d say that the one thing you can be sure of is that Grinch doesn’t have a chance here: 63% of Normville citizens still say that Grinch is their last choice among all the candidates, so I don’t know where he thinks his road to victory is.”
“We’ll have to invite you back on the show in a few weeks when the election returns come in to find out if your political forecasts pan out. We need to take a quick commercial break, but up next: Are the other news channels involved in an infuriatingly anti-American plot to turn the United States into Venezuela? Our next guest has discovered shocking new assertions about why Hugo Chavez wants you to change the channel. Stay tuned to the Blast Zone on the Normville News Network: the only local news source with 80% louder volume, guaranteed.”
Gretchen’s news desk fades to black.
Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion in part two of this story (...coming soon!)
