And now, the thrilling conclusion of this short story about Normville's three-way race for mayor...
<< Read Part One
“I’m Gretchen Michelson, and you’re watching the Normville News Network’s election day coverage of the most dramatic ratings booster of the year: the war for the heart and soul of Normville City Government. I report to you today from the Blast Zone Election Bunker, buried 2 miles underground and fully stocked with food and ammunition. Neither snow, nor rain, nor thermonuclear war will keep us from spouting our most up-to-date guesses about today’s election. We now turn to our exclusive Blast Zone Conflict-Now Roundtable, the loudest political team on television.”
The camera pans out, revealing three panelists sitting to Gretchen’s left. “Joining us underground in the Election Bunker are our guests: Ann Gree, the head of the Normville Nutjob Association; Lisa Pinhead, political analyst for the Normville News Network; and finally Joe Common, President of the Anti-Asbestos League. Thank you all for being here.”
“Well, you told us we weren’t allowed to leave the bunker,” Ann Gree replies.
“Mr. Common,” Gretchen presses on, “why has the Anti-Asbestos League decided to endorse John Lemon?”
“Because Lemon is the only candidate bold enough to shut down Normville’s asbestos manufacturing plants,” Joe Common responds. “Did you know that one in three children in Normville has smoked asbestos to get high? John Lemon wants to ban asbestos from our elementary schools. Unfortunately, asbestos pushers like Richard Grinch are fighting for more asbestos-smoking kindergarteners on the playground, and Mayor Bland isn’t brave enough to stand up to them. That’s why when Normville voters go to the polls today, they should cast their ballot for the third party candidate, John Lemon.”
“Yeah,” Lisa Pinhead interrupts, “and don’t forget: Grinch’s plan to kill all the puppies at the pound is a pretty big turn-off.”
“Hobo puppies have been living off the taxpayer’s teet for too long!” Ann Gree shouts, “Why don’t those furry little bums get a job like the rest of us?”
“BREAKING NEWS FLASH!” A virtual tidal wave comes rushing towards the screen. The Blast Zone logo appears, parting the stormy sea just in time to stop the wave from crashing into the viewer.
“This just in!” Gretchen yelps. “Richard Grinch has accused Heather Bland of secretly giving birth to a black baby. Here’s Grinch’s statements from moments ago.”
“That’s right! I said it!” Grinch yells into a microphone. “The reason I want to privatize the Normville Public Library is that I’m illiterate! If Mayor Bland doesn’t like it she can go back to her ivory tower, and so can her secret black baby!”
The video clip of Grinch’s gaffe retreats to a box over Gretchen’s shoulder. “You heard it hear first on the Normville News Network -- you snooze, you lose, Channel 12 News. We now return to our Blast Zone Conflict-Now Roundtable to hear their knee-jerk reactions to these unconfirmed attacks on Mayor Bland’s alleged baby.”
“Did he just say he can’t read?” Joe Common asks.
“Richard Grinch should be commended for having the courage to bring up this issue.” Ann says, unfazed. “I predict voters will throw Mayor Bland out of office for this whole secret black baby scandal. And you know what? Normville citizens are tired of being called racist just because the infant they’re uncontrollably enraged about happens to be African American. I’m angry as hell -- not because Bland’s baby is black, but because she covered it up for so long. That makes her a racist. Not Richard Grinch, not the citizens of Normville, and certainly not me.”
“Oh sure,” Lisa Pinhead retorts, “The Mayor has one harmless scandal about her secret baby and Grinch rushes to criticize her. My father had a whole ‘nother family I didn’t find out about until I was 35. And look at me now: I’m on TV! It’s called ‘progress.’ Sorry if it’s not in your so-called ‘Bible.’ In the 60’s we invented a little thing called the separation of church and state.”
“But seriously,” Joe butts in, “can we please get back to how Grinch doesn’t know how to read?”
“BREAKING NEWS FLASH!” Daring orchestral music begins to play as a computer rendering of the Martin Luther King Jr. memorial comes in to view. MLK bursts out of his marble statue and looks up at a nuclear missile headed for the White House. MLK throws his giant fist at the incoming bomb, which explodes towards the screen. The Blast Zone logo shines through the clouds of smoke.
“This just in! Mayor Heather Bland is finally coming clean about her son, named Albert Bland, who it turns out is in fact black. Albert is the child of the Mayor’s husband of 25 years, Theodore Bland, who coincidentally is also African American. The Mayor admits to knowing about her son’s race for years, yet she doesn’t explain why she never brought it up to the media.”
“Don’t you see that this whole controversy is just scandalous nonsense designed to distract us from the real issues Normville faces?” Joe asks. “Like asbestos pollution? And how annoying all the mosquitoes are?”
“Well Joe,” Gretchen answers, “A recent poll shows that ‘Scandalous Nonsense’ is one of the top three issues Normville voters care about most, right after celebrity nip-slips and hangover cures.”
“The point is,” Joe insists, “people are tired of the incompetence of the two ruling political parties. Scandals like these are the reason we need an independent like John Lemon.”
“Hippies like you are the reason we need the Second Amendment!” Ann exclaims.
“That’s offensive!” Lisa declares. “The word ‘hippie’ is dehumanizing to hippopotamuses!”
The theme music fades in as Gretchen wraps up the segment. “I guess it’s just bad luck for Heather Bland that this broke on Election Day, leaving her no time to respond. We’ll ask our next guest if by waiting so long to come out with the truth, Mayor Bland is ultimately the one responsible for allowing these rumors to get out of hand. Now, it’s time for another Blast Zone Data Blast with the Normville News Network’s very own David Wonker, joining us from the surface via satellite.”
“Thanks for having me on again Gretchen.”
“So how is this shocking last minute revelation about the Mayor’s legitimate child born in-wedlock going to effect today’s election?”
“The only one who comes out looking good here is John Lemon. Unfortunately for Bland, many voters only saw the morning news when the initial unconfirmed allegations made this look like a scandal, but then they turned off the television before we learned the full story five minutes later, most likely because these viewers had their own lives to get along with.”
“How odd.”
“But this controversy could backfire on Grinch. His attacks on Bland’s son turn-off to middle-of-the-road voters, the majority of whom tell pollsters they think racism is bad. Grinch’s self-described ‘nutjob’ base, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have a problem with his comments.”
“It sounds like you’re saying that in this unique three-way race, Lemon benefits from the scandal simply by not being a part of it?”
“That’s right, Gretchen.”
“So David, what is it like up there on the surface? Is Normville caught up with election fever?” Gretchen asks from under her bullet proof news helmet. “And if so, how fast is the fever spreading and is it fatal?”
“I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cut you off: THE RESULTS ARE IN! This will be the first major test of Normville’s new Instant Runoff Voting system. Let’s take a look at the numbers from our Data Blast Insta-Crunch 5000 -- four point oh! -- the only nuclear-powered calculator in local news. We’ll put the raw data up on the screen so our viewers can see how voters ranked each of the candidates.”
“We’re bringing these results to you the millisecond we retrieve them, so we haven’t yet calculated the winner,” David continues. “But at a glance you can see that John Lemon was ranked #1 by more voters than any other candidate, and that Richard Grinch was ranked last by more voters than any other candidate.”
“So David, could you walk us through how to determine the winner with this new Instant Runoff Voting system?”
“You bet. In the first round of voting, we look at the percentage of voters who ranked each candidate as their first choice.”
“As you can see,” David says, describing the chart, “John Lemon takes the lead in the first round with 39% of the vote, followed by 37% for Richard Grinch, and 24% for Heather Bland. No one received a majority of the vote in round one, so we narrow it down to the top two candidates. Heather Bland was the candidate with the fewest number of voters ranking her as #1, and thus Bland is eliminated.”
“So it’s official: Mayor Bland will not be re-elected for a second term.”
“That’s right, Gretchen. Next, we move on to an instant runoff election between the final two remaining candidates, John Lemon and Richard Grinch. In this two-way runoff election, now that the voters who ranked Bland as #1 have had their first choice crossed off, their votes are automatically entered for the candidate they ranked #2. We’ll put the results of this runoff election up on the screen.”
“And the winner is RICHARD GRINCH IN THE UPSET OF THE CENTURY!” David slaps his palm against his forehead, exclaiming, “My God, I can’t believe it! -- Grinch wins with 51% of the vote in the runoff election -- DESPITE the fact that in the initial rankings, a landslide 63% of Normville voters ranked Grinch as their absolute last choice!”
Gretchen furrows her blonde eyebrows and presses her earpiece closer to her ear. Confounded by the news, she asks, “Wait, David am I hearing you right? Even though the majority of voters said they were more opposed to Grinch than any other candidate, he was the one elected? How is that possible?”
“It looks like there’s a fatal paradox in this new Instant Runoff Voting system! If Bland had been elected, then the largest number of voters would have been somewhat happy with her victory: a majority of voters, 63% to be precise, ranked her as either #1 or #2. However, since fewer people ranked Bland as their first choice, she was eliminated in the first round of voting. And then because of the way the voter’s second choices were distributed for the runoff election, Grinch beat Lemon in the final head-to-head match up. So Grinch wins the election -- EVEN THOUGH THE MAJORITY OF VOTERS PREFERRED BLAND OVER GRINCH!”
Gretchen interrupts him, “So David I guess your earlier prediction that Grinch would lose was dead wrong.”
“I guess so, Gretchen.”
“Well thanks a lot, Wonker: I had serious cash riding on this race. Oh God, David you don’t understand -- I owe some people a lot of money! These guys break thumbs!”
“BREAKING NEWS BLAST!” An eagle screeches as it dives on screen and crashes into Osama Bin Laden hiding in a cave, which explodes into stars and stripes that morph into the Blast Zone logo.
“This just in!” Gretchen shouts, exhausted. “New Mayor-elect Richard Grinch is about to announce who he will appoint as Vice Mayor, the Mayor’s second in command. This position was enshrined in the Normville Constitution reportedly because the city’s founders mistakenly believed that most other towns also had a Vice Mayor. We now go live to Grinch’s press conference.”
Richard Grinch walks up the podium wearing a pinstripe suit, a purple sash with the words “NEW MAYOR” written on it, and a self-satisfied grin. “Thank you all for coming today. I would like to announce my selection for Normville’s new Vice Mayor: John Lemon.”
Confused gasps erupt from the audience but are immediately drown out by the chaotic snap and flash of the cameras as John Lemon emerges from behind the curtain and joins Grinch on stage. Grinch reaches under the podium and pulls out a golden crown engraved with the words “VICE MAYOR,” which he places atop Lemon’s head.
The audience quiets down as Lemon begins to speak, “I would like to thank my long-time friend Richard Grinch for this incredible honor, which I humbly accept. We may have been rivals during the campaign, but I have no doubt we will find a way to see eye to eye. Now, even though we disagreed on this issue in the election, as my first act as Vice Mayor, I will take it upon myself to implement Mayor-elect Grinch’s policy of completely deregulating Normville’s asbestos manufacturing plants.”
The audience gasps.
“And from here on out,” Grinch adds, “every Sunday will be henceforth be known as Asbestos Appreciation Day …forever!”
The crowd bursts into astonished chatter.
Gretchen’s mouth hangs open in disbelief for several long seconds before she realizes, startled, that she is on camera. “David, are you seeing this? Is it possible that Lemon and Grinch planned this all along?”
David Wonker searches his brain for something smart-sounding to say, but finding nothing, he just shakes his head. “I guess we’ll never know, Gretchen. I guess we’ll never know.”
